WWE Legends: Ahmed Johnson

I think it's important to get into habits. For instance, I try to wake up as late as I can, do as little work as possible, and watch old Royal Rumbles in my room, while crying every so often and telling myself that wrestling is just as good as it used to be: it's just different now. That's a habit. Another habit I'm going to start is something Drew and I have discussed for a while: writing a certain segment on a certain day of the week. It's technically Friday here in Philadelphia, so the the Friday segment will now be known as Legends Friday, on which someone will profile a WWF legend. I'd like to start this trend by looking at one of my favorites: Ahmed Johnson.

Now, I could sit here and talk about how Ahmed was one of the more exciting wrestlers just prior to the Attitude Era, or how he was the first black Intercontinental Champion, or even the high-profile wrestlers which with he feuded (Owen Hart, British Bulldog, Faarooq, The Undertaker). But see, you guys already know that stuff. So instead, I'm going to talk about the lesser known things that made this man great.

1. The Grease. Outside of Jermaine Jackson, I've never seen a greasier man than Ahmed Johnson. When he came out, it always looked like someone had just taken a vat of KY Jelly and poured it directly on his head. If you watch the beginnings of some of his matches, you can see his opponents have a really difficult time doing any move which requires grip of any kind. If you look really close, you can see your face in Ahmed's chest.

2. The General Disregard for Safety. Ahmed's move set, while seen as exciting from the perspective of the fan, was actually just downright dangerous. Take his finisher, the Pearl River Plunge: this move (a modified Tiger Driver) would have been safe if Ahmed didn't let his opponent slip (again with the grease), resulting in a neck-to-mat collision on a number of occasions. Apparently, it got so bad that most wrestlers openly referred to him as sloppy and claimed his moves looked so powerful because he failed to protect his opponents.

3. The Injuries. Ahmed was on his way to stardom in the WWE, teaming with Shawn Michaels on numerous shows and even winning a battle royal on RAW which made him the #1 contender for the Heavyweight title. Before Ahmed could get that shot, however, he was injured by Faarooq who ruptured his kidney with a kick. Years later, Faarooq (Ron Simmons) would state that he deliberately stiff kicked Johnson because he felt that Johnson had not paid his dues to be in the spot that the company was placing him in.

4. The Incomprehensibility. For the love of God, if you do anything on this site, just click here to see the funniest thing you will ever witness. The link is a set of clips from the WWF video game War Zone in which Ahmed has a number of...appearances? A running joke among fans is that Ahmed has what most people would call "marblemouth." His speech, when on a microphone, has sometimes come across as sounding like gibberish. Seriously, just click it.

5. The Brushes with the Law. Ahmed's been involved with the law, on both ends of justice. In 1999, a man named Tony Norris (Ahmed's real name) was arrested in Miami, Florida for pimping out three young girls. Although the former WWE superstar was not the Tony Norris that was arrested, internet rumors began to incorrectly state that it was. However, in late 2004, Norris saved a woman from possibly being raped when he confronted the man with her. The man, who had a knife, fled once he saw how big Norris was.

6. The Chauvinism. As 1998 continued, Johnson made increasingly fewer appearances. He began to put on weight, and many fans felt that his wrestling skills were starting to suffer. According to various internet rumors, Johnson's declining wrestling skills and refusals to put people over led to his release later that year. One of the biggest rumors was that Johnson balked over being asked to sell a punch for Chyna during a match of his which she was to interfere in, supposedly going so far as to say, "Ain't gonna let no bitch hit me." Despite Ahmed's declaration of Chyna as a woman, it has yet to be settled which (if not both) of the sexes Chyna indeed identifies as. While an image search for her led to numerous Playboy photos, there were also a striking number of sites promising to show me "Chyna's penis." Whatever that is.

7. The Homosexuality. All you really need is this picture and this quote from the site which outed him: "Makes me wonder what 'Domination' the Nation was up to all those years ago."


Next time you are watching Royal Rumble 1996 (as I am now), remember that the man who faces Double J is not just a talented athlete, trying to make ends meet and gain success in this crazy business. He's also a greased up, dangerous, injury-prone, marble mouthed, chauvinistic homosexual. And for that, he deserves our praise and respect. We salute you, Ahmed Johnson!